Celebrating The Montreal Canadiens’ Somewhat Award Worthy Performances With: The Not Too sHabbies!
Watching the NHL playoffs has served as a reminder of just how bad the Montréal Canadiens were this season. I’m not sure how long they would have lasted against Colorado. Oh wait, yes I do :
Once I met one of the Sutter’s (not Darryl) in an elevator. He was at least 50 years old and just huge. I’m 6 feet tall but the man towered over me. I tried to start a conversation with him, and he looked at me like he had no interest in anything other than a body checking competition. He silent-stare-body-checked the conversation into oblivion with that one look.
Normally I like writing some sort of “best forward, or defenseman, or MVP, or best goalie” wrap up to the year, but this year that makes me want to cry in my beer. Instead, I’d prefer to enjoy the season past in the sense that it’s over, and revel in our good fortune at having the #1 pick in a draft with no consensus #1 player. Being #1 is still better than being #3.
And so, in an effort to help everyone just step back from the firing line and laugh at ourselves a little, I present :
The Not Too sHabbies—A lighthearted look at the year that was for those plucky Montreal Canadiens. This is a never ending series of awards that can be given out at any time over a season. I’m sure many of you out there in Habland have your ideas too. Submit them in the comments, I can’t wait to hear them.
And now without further ado:
The Not Too sHabbies – Part I
The (Fast) Forward Of The Year : Joel Armia wins the award for the least hockey played while playing hockey. He was on the ice. At least, the stat sheet says so.
The Not-Named-Nick Award (for the player most not named Nick Suzuki/Ritchie/Cousins/Bonino) goes to : Laurent Dauphin. Congrats on not being named Nick, buddy! You nailed it all season and never disappointed once by being named Nick.
The Canadiens (V)ery (N)early MVP : Jonathan Drouin – He was the best player on the team for the first 10 games of the season. It was his shining moment, where he put it all together and finally became the scoring leader Serge Savard projected him to be. And then, a puck to the head. COME ON!!!
Defenseman Of The Year : Patrice Brisebois??? Oh, so sorry. Chris Wideman. Wait, is that really… No, no it’s not a typo. Someone thinks he outplayed Angry Jeff. Really? I mean… I suppose he did… Congratulations on the extension buddy. Top point getter on defense… Yep…
Underperformer Of The Year : THE FIRST POWERPLAY AND ITS COACH.
Rookie Of The Team : William Lagesson wins the award for newest teammate. Not best new player, but he was the newest guy. In Montreal new is good. Hey Will! Did you hear? You’re good!
The It’s Not You It’s Me Award goes to Christian Dvorak who doesn’t suck but the teams he plays for do. It’s not you, Christian. It’s not you. I just thought it would be different and I need to work on myself.
The Best Trade Chip of the year : Ben Chiarot, for getting such a great return at the deadline despite having the Worst. Advanced. Stats. Ever. This was the first time I’ve ever seen Toronto Media actually caution Toronto management about trading for him. And what a difference that made.
Attaboy Ben! Way to work buddy! Way to get those draft picks! Way to earn that B Level Prospect. WOOO! YEAH!
Shooting Is The Only Play Award : This is a tie between Big Ben, Angry Jeff, and Alexander the Great. They shot it lots. Not effectively, but lots.
Scrappy Underdog Of The Year : Carey Price’s knee. I’m not sure when that knee took an arrow to it, but enough already. It’s not supposed to end this way for the greatest goalie in Habs history.
Scrappy Underdog Of The Year Honorable Mention : Dominique Ducharme. That guy could take loss after loss after loss and not give an inch. Not one! You’ve gotta admire the strength of those convictions. Stay strong, Dom. Stay strong.
The Comeback Award goes to Jeff Petry, who looked like he lost a step for 78 games but found it with 4 games to go. I mean, he really put a licking on those Rangers! It’s never too late to start!
The Naked And Afraid Award goes to all the goaltenders of the Montreal Canadiens. Sometimes I wonder what it felt like out there alone on the ice floe, surrounded by big men armed with sticks flying past you at 40 mph. Sounds terrifying. Congratulations to Sam, Jake, Cayden, and the other brave men whose team magically transformed into flopping fish, leaving them stranded on a frozen island for a thrilling week of food poisoning and dysentery. Gentlemen, we salute you.
The No Rebuild for ME Award goes to Artturi Lehkonen who had a career year and played his way onto the Stanley Cup favorites. Hope you hoist it this year, bud. We miss you, but there’s no way the team can afford your 5 million per year salary next season. Not with *gestures at the salary structure of the Habs*.
The Worst Joke of the Year Award goes to every single one of us who made fun of the name Pitlick. Nice players in the family, lots to like. Oh just go ahead and say it already. Look at that bunch of …… Got it out of your system?
The Most Chant-able Name Award goes to Sam Montembeault. I can’t wait to hear “Here we go, Montembeault” every game he plays next season. He should.
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