Montreal Canadiens: Making History Every Time

Every day, Les Boys make history. For the Montreal Canadiens lately, it is not the right kind of history. Not the kind of history we expected. Not the kind of history we wanted. But history, none the less.

No team has ever been like this in the history of the Franchise. They are truly in a weight class all their own. They are the worst version of the Montreal Canadiens ever.

None of us thought they could be this bad.

After the last season we had faith. Faith in Marc Bergevin and his team building process. Faith that Phil Danault would be replaced. Faith that Jake Evans would be the third line center and that Christian Dvorak would be a good second line center.

Faith in mighty Team Bicep.

How naive we were.

This year’s team is so bad they can’t find their compete level. They lost it somewhere on Crescent Street, except for Jonathan Drouin who seems to care most when it matters least.

Watching the Canadiens play the Coyotes yesterday made me believe Cassie Campbell, who called the game today and is nearly 50 years old, might be a better fit on this team than Mike Hoffman. That Stephane Richer, at 55, might connect with the puck more often than Cole Caufield. That David Savard can outskate me, but not on any given day.

So in honor of a team that is beyond hapless, here is a list of truly awful things which I’m calling :

Steaming Junk That Is Better Than The Canadiens :

Store-bought tubs of potato salad – Completely disgusting, but better than the Habs.

Day old French Fries from Nouveau Systeme – Revolting, but better than the Habs.

A fried Baloney Sandwich with RELISH – Hideous, and better than the Habs.

A round in the ring with Justin Trudeau – Embarrassing, but better than the Habs.

The fight against climate change – Ineffective, but better than the Habs.

Larry the Cable guy’s accent – Phoney, but better than the Habs.

My chance of losing 20 pounds – improbable, but better than the Habs.

Your chance of getting a date tomorrow – Minute, but better than the Habs.

Finding peace of mind in the face of impending doom – Incredulously, better than the Habs.

Hulk Hogan making a comeback – Worrying, ‘cause he might die… but better than the Habs.

The Coyotes : who traded away every meaningful asset that could get them a first round pick and took on salaries of players no other team wanted and gave Connor Garland away to the Vancouver Canucks and have TWELVE PLAYERS WHO ARE UFA’S AFTER THIS SEASON AND ARE LOSING THEIR ARENA AND MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT EXIST AS A FRANCHISE AFTER THIS SEASON WHERE ATTENDANCE IS SO AWFUL THEY DON’T WANT ANYONE TAKING PHOTOS IN THE ARENA DURING GAMETIME … and are better than the Canadiens.

There. I hope you got a laugh out of that. I hope it eased some of the pain. Have a good stiff shot of something strong. Soon there will be a new GM and they will start a rebuild and everything will go back to normal.

It will happen.

I think.