Cheerleaders - Put 'em to Work...!

Five Teams I Love to Hate

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Thanks to my buddy Frank who toils in Panther land for this great idea.Frank owns one of the greatest site names I have seen.A hockey fan – a true hockey fan,has only a smile thinking about Scott Mellanby and his infamous “Rattrick’.
Thousands of plastic rats thrown on the ice during that incredible run which inspired not only the Florida players and their fans but the kid in all of us…

So here we have it – my hated hockey team list .I’ll start a la David Letterman and work backwards from number five to my number one choice.

5. The Philadelphia Flyers.

Kids on Crack...

In recent years and two out of the past three,the Flyers own the Habs in the play-offs. They seem to be finally getting around to enacting some revenge for The Habs spoiling their mid-seventies Stanley Cup party.
The two teams are exactly the same as in the seventies – the Habs are built on speed and the Flyers on toughness. Now,the toughness is too much for the Habs as the speed was too much for the Flyers in 1975 76 season.Bobby Clarke was the reason I hated the Flyers when he played and continued to hate as he commandeered the squad for almost two decades.He built his team with mirror personalities of himself.Some skills,mostly goonery and cheap shot artists galore.The worse thing was that he never gave back to his fans and give them what they needed. A goalie. Clarke, Hextall, Tocchet and now Pronger…how can anyone stand this organization.

4. The Detrot Red Wings
If I were to suddenly get extremely lucky one weekend and manage to make love to five different women – I would not go around telling the entire world that my apartment is the ‘new’ Playboy Mansion.This is precisely why I hate the Detroit Red Wings.

'See No Evil"

HockeyTown indeed… ! What does that make Montreal…? Hockey country? Hockey planet?Hockey universe?(oops – sorry that’s Toronto!) The Wings and their pizza – lovin’ owner have become in terms of hockey operations, the Sam Pollocks of the modern age. Unfortunately , they have also arrived as hockey’s version of the Yankees. Cockiness and over confidence will get you eliminated before you can say ‘Pan! Pan!’ Stevie ‘Y’ made me tolerate them and now Stevie will make them regret opting for Holland over him.

3.The Boston Bruins

Jonathan, Esposito,O’Reilly,Don Cherry,Milbury,Park,Jay Miller,Byers,Neely,Sinden,Cheevers,Chara,Lucic,Thomas and their offspring make me turn left and into Maine during the summer.

Habs Hate Bruins

Bourque and Orr made me visit once in a while. I suppose that when your cousins aka The Red Sox, The Celtics and The Patriots all win championships and you haven’t for so many years – it’s okay to get excited over a first round win and coast to the losing end of an incredible comeback. For this – I thank Ye…made me love you a bit more than my ex – mother in law!

2. The Toronto Maple Leafs.

This is easy…I hate the Leafs because the Leafs hate themselves. This is also difficult because I don’t hate the Leafs. They always give the Habs and Hockey fans great games when they play Montreal. We all would love to see the Leafs improve and be a contender just as we would love to see Wayne Gretzky win a game as a coach – well it won’t happen as long as Toronto management keeps raking in the cash off of fans that have settled into a long, boring marriage.The Leafs are also great at providing jokes –  “Why is a cigarette machine like the Toronto Maple Leafs?” They both don’t have any players…”  Did you hear that the NHL officially declined Hamilton’s bid for an NHL franchise? The reason ; the league figured that if they give  Hamilton a franchise then Toronto would want one too!”  See – it’s hard to hate a franchise that provides such great fodder.

Appreciate the Jokes

1. The Carolina Hurricanes

Do you have twenty four hours…?

Oh my Lord do I hate this team. First – something that is overlooked in several cities…there are no cheerleaders in hockey! I repeat – no cheerleaders in hockey! As much as I enjoy the coldness erecting certain body parts – scantily clad women with Pom-poms are not Canadian. Heck we don’t even have cheerleaders at our high school football games and the sole reason we have them in the CFL is to make NFL castaways feel at home.

Thundersticks need to be placed somewhere the sun don’t shine, perhaps in Ilya Kovalchuk’s agent’s office . Nascar fans don’t understand how a puck can travel faster than a car so by inviting cheerleaders and thundersticks to help sell the game..well, you aren’t really selling it now are you?

The Hartford Whalers became the Carolina Hurricanes and the Whalers had Torrie Robertson and  Kevin Dineen skating while Pierre McGuire ran the team. Three reasons for me to light a Hurricane jersey on fire right there. Then they tried to carve Koivu’s eye from his socket (see Clarke, Bobby)after realizing that was the only way they could beat the Habs. Cam Ward won a cup and acted like Ken Dryden off the ice while Eric Stall has the worst mug in professional sports. Since their existence, along with their ‘not quite red – not quite orange’ sweaters – Carolina continues to make me question my decision to watch hockey on a Tuesday night instead of um…getting a Prostate exam!

Well – that’s my list….next time I’ll do something on a postive note….something like the five best arenas that I have visited or that I know exist.

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